Love In Spite of Me

I had a conversation with a family member several months back that centered around my mom’s suicide. It was an aunt that I hadn’t spoken to in years, not by my own desire, but by hers. I had decided to find out, once and for all, why certain family members seemed to want little to nothing to do with me. In the years following Mom’s death I had grieved so deeply losing her but also the loss of her family. I never understood the distance and I needed to find out reason.
It turns out that someone, thinking that they were helping to bring closure to my mom’s sisters in the days after Mom’s death, had sold them a pack of lies. I’d like to believe that this person didn’t know they were lying and that maybe they had assumed things long enough and had come to believe them to be truths. I’d like to believe that this person’s heart was in the right place.
The reality is, however, that this person is dead. My mom is also dead. I can’t go back and find the truth. I can’t ask this person where the information came from and I can’t ask my mom about her feelings. And unfortunately, a group of people who once loved me unconditionally, chose to believe lies for so many years (instead of coming to me long ago and clarifying the story) that their love gained conditions and built walls.
Forgiveness is hard when it comes to abandoned love. I’ve given it because, well, it has to be given if any of us want to move on. But it’s hard to move on from abandonment. Walls are hard to tear down and boundaries that were drawn are hard to erase. So I ask God for strength and courage to live a life of love and truth. I ask him to help me love others in the way I so desperately wanted to be loved. I pray that he shows me how to open my home in love and be a person of peace for others. I also ask that he opens my eyes to people he has given me who love me for who I am and not for what I do or have done. Or in spite of what I do or have done.

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