Spirit Lead Me

Staring at the blinking cursor this morning causes my eyes to flinch. It is Day 26 of the Write 31 Days Challenge and I am so very weary. I am raw from sharing my soul day after day. My muscles ache from the days I held back; the days I posted fluff, in spite of my promise for utter realness for all 31 days. My brain hurts from attempting to match words with meaning, time and time again, wondering if it will matter to anyone. Does it matter to me?

I cried on my way home from the driving kids to school today. Not because of the writing challenge but also because of the writing challenge. The HillsongUnited hit “Oceans” was playing…again. You can’t throw a stone at a Christian radio station these days without hitting “Oceans” at least twice. It’s a beautiful song and the words are incredibly powerful. The words are a prayer. A bold prayer. So bold in fact, I heard a preacher joke earlier this year that maybe we shouldn’t be singing the song if we aren’t willing to take a swim.

Spirit Lead Me.

The life of Team Lexow has been one of trust and faith this year. It has been one of doubt and worry. We have waffled and wavered between those places daily. Hourly. God has taken us far deeper than our feet could’ve wandered. As we ventured in it was excitingly terrifying. We were scared but intrigued as to where God would lead.

Spirit Lead Me.

Writing has always been an outlet for me. When I can’t blog I journal. When I can’t journal I doodle. This challenge has been a growth experience for me, pushing me completely out of my comfort zone. It has forced me to ask myself if my words matter to me even if they matter to no one else. It has begged me to ask if I’m writing because it is something I believe God has called me to hone in on, to craft and to improve upon, or if it is to receive attention or accolades or praise. When none of those things came; when no one noticed, I had to look at my heart and say, “I will write because it hurts my soul more to not write.”

Spirit Lead Me.

This morning I feel like my family is in the darkest part of the ocean. We are floating on a life boat and clinging to the hope that our eyes will not drop below the waves. We are trusting that God will soon send an ocean liner as rescue. He has never failed. Never. So we continue to call upon his  name. I wasn’t sure why God brought this call to my heart on writing fell during one of the most trying times of learning to adult in other areas. Except that now I see. It all feels like too much but God is a God of too much. He makes much out of little and little out of much. It’s who he is.

So I will continue to write about the raft. I will write about the sharks that swim by, longing for a bite of our toes.  I will report on the whales, the ones that sing sweet songs of watchful protection. And when our rescue comes I will shout (IN CAPS LOCK) of his goodness.

Spirit Lead Me.

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