I have not written a blog…or anything else for that matter…for quite some time. I’ve been walking through a desert of silence. That sounds dramatic and meaningful but the truth of the matter is that it really has been like a desert. I battled some depression, couldn’t hear God speaking for the life of me, and I felt parched and dry.
Two weeks ago I told my husband, Chuck, that I felt like God had left me because I didn’t feel him and I couldn’t hear him speak. Chuck had just got out of the shower and was dressing at the time. He looked at me through his reflection in the mirror and said, “Well, you know that’s not true, right?”
Did I? I guess my logical brain did know that but I rarely live there. I spend most of my days in my creative, emotional brain. I sometimes hear messages from my logical brain but for the most part, I shoo them away. I knew though, in that moment, that I needed to pray. I grabbed my phone and pulled up my Bible app (I use YouVersion) and prayed, “God, I need a word from you so that I know you are here. Would you give me something to hang on to?” I got Psalm 139: 15, which says, “My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.”
Well, that’ll do. Yes, God was not only present right then but he had been since the beginning of me. Since then I have been praying for God to reveal all the things that I had piled up and put between us. He had never left but I had done a great job of pushing him back and building a wall up so that I didn’t have to look at him or listen to him. He’s been faithful though, as un-fun as it may be, in revealing my stack-o-crap. It’s crazy how high it had become and I am embarrassed at some of the old stuff that I thought I was over that I had pulled back out. I’ve also asked that as he reveals my junk that I would be bathed in his grace and peace so that I don’t just move the stack somewhere else. I want to receive total healing. Total. I want to be done with the desert and dive into the dessert of his grace. It’s too sweet to run from anymore.
So as this process has been happening I felt a need to start writing again. I guess if God is doing a work in me he’s doing it in someone else, too. Maybe my words can be a spur for someone else.